lelah sebenarnya

siang tadi. panas menyengat. kedua pundakku penuh beban. ruang kepalaku hampir meledak meski setengah mati kutahan. kedua kakiku, memang diam. tapi tulang-tulangnya tak henti-hentinya mengeluh. aku mendengarkan semuanya. semua keluhan nyaris membuncah. aku lelah. tapi aku tak ingin mengeluh atau disebut mengeluh. lalu aku diam. keringat tak hentinya mengucur. tapi aku diam. cukup berhenti dan menelan air putih di botol bening. lalu meneruskan perjalanan. aku tak ingin paragraf ini membuatku tertuduh sebagai "tukang keluh". aku hanya lelah. laiknya deja vu. entah berapa kali aku dalam kondisi lelah seperti ini. lelah yang sebenarnya.

tapi kakiku masih di atas bumi. dan masih bersedia menahan berat badanku. ada satu waktu aku merindukan lelah ini. tapi juga ada satu waktu terlintas sesal. sesal yang sama sekali tak berguna. aku benci mengeluh. apalagi mendengar mulut-mulut yang tak hentinya mengeluh. agar aku tak mendengar mulutku mengeluh, maka aku butuh huruf-huruf ini, lalu bergegas memberi mereka nyawa. tapi di satu tempat aku mendengar keluhan. aku benci. tapi aku harus mendengarnya, sambil kembali mengingatkan diri bahwa setiap kepala memiliki sudut pandang berbeda. tapi aku tetap benci aku yang mengeluh.

a more diverse inspiration

they asked me, "where're you now?". then I answered, "now I'm still in one place." then, one by one they told me about several different places they had ever attended. again, they told about places in the Netherlands and other places in Europe, in Australia, America, and a number of places in the Middle East. but I did not ask back about how many words and paragraphs that they wrote? how many worlds they have created in their head space. I was still struggling with my little worlds with little words. I haven't yet created the real world. even gave imagination has never finished in my head space. I'm still struggling with my little worlds.

then I imagine myself who have never visited such places they've told. but a moment later I woke up. I found myself in my world that is so small but feels so vast and complicated. suddenly I was sorry to imagine myself in places that are visited. I'm sorry because I'm not able to prepare 'the tangled threads' that exists in my world is small but spacious.

then I go back to enjoy my world filled with millions of words just to describe the complexity of my world. I was in the midst of the figures who have long been waiting for, only to reconstitute of the complexes to make it better. then enjoying my world with my little mission make it better. until I don't want anything other than create a better world with my words. I even forget my dream to go to places where they had attended.

but I imagine, if I get a chance go to those places, maybe I'll create other worlds in my head. because I'm sure a different place to inspire more varied about their world, women world, the figures and other places that never tired inspiring me.

Keren Ann, one of my inspiration singer, probably true. this is why I always wonder. I'm a pond full of regrets. I always try to not remember rather than forget. this is why I always whisper. when vagabonds are passing by. I tend to keep myself away from their goodbyes. tide will rise and fall along the bay, and I'm not going anywhere. people come and go and walk away, but I'm not going anywhere.

this is why I always whisper. I'm a river with a spell. I like to hear but not to listen, I like to say but not to tell. this is why I always wonder. there's nothing new under the sun. I won't go anywhere so give my love to everyone.

then I really hope to describe the new places are full of inspiration, just by my words. then I will create my world and their world better.